Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A few things

I am known to not be very good at watching TV. People say, "Oooh, what shows are you watching right now? I need a new show." And I'm all, "Um, 'You've Got Mail' for the 398457934857 time while I fold laundry?" But guess what guys, I am watching "The Voice" like a seasoned tv-watching pro. I know they care, but I approve of the judges this season. I mean, Gwen. Come on. How many of you have bought the "Tragic Kingdom" album after seeing Gwen on "The Voice"? Because we did.

Tonight I had a conversation with my friend who is a high school teacher. She talked about a kid who got caught smoking while on campus and I asked her opinion, as an educator, how do you avoid having your kids smoke weed. She said a few things:
1. Inform them about drugs. Talk about them. Talk about the effects. Talk about reactions. Talk about addiction. Educate yourself so you can educate your kids.
2. Know their friends. Be aware of who they are with and get to know the kids they are around.
3. Don't think your kid will never get involved with drugs or alcohol. Don't be the parent that says, "My kid would never do that." Because teenagers can be dumb, be honest with yourself.

A side story along those lines: I have a friend who's daughter was up to no good with her boyfriend. My friend found out what her daughter was doing and she went to the boyfriend's parents to let them know what their son had been doing. The parents said, "I don't believe you. Our son goes to seminary." And guess what, 2 years later, their son was a baby daddy and in jail for heroin possession.

Tomorrow my clefty nephew Walt has surgery on his soft pallet. Send up a prayer, will ya? I will have Walt's big brother Sam tomorrow during surgery and Sam has asked for three things: nuggies, root beer and fries. DONE! Anything for you, Sammy. 



Monday, September 22, 2014

At the moment

At the moment:

Jack continues to kill it with spelling. The kid can spell like a total champ. He does the challenge word list and gets 100% without even trying. Ethan says he gets it from him, I say it's from me. I can spel reel guhd.

Van and Violet are tending to their grasshopper family. Guys, I can't handle it. Grasshoppers and all insects of the like are gross. Yet my two kids think they have family units and feelings.

I am debating offering free lessons on how to do the carpool lane at school because it is a TRAIN WRECK OVER THERE. I now have Jack walk to the church parking lot nearby to pick him up because I can't do it anymore. Guys, don't get out of your car to get your kid. That ruins the whole idea of a carpool lane. If you are having to put their seat belt on for them, it's time to have a seat belt summit at home and teach them. You say, "Oh, I have to get out of my car because the line is slow." Well genius, it's slow because you are all getting out of your cars. CAN YOU SEE I AM HAVING ISSUES?

It's nearly time for major league baseball playoffs and Ethan's is more hyped up than a meth addict. Viva los Dodgers! But really, I do want them to win because the last time they won, Ethan was 7 years old and he still remembers how great it was.

In the same vein as baseball, my boys are on a big baseball card high right now. It's an obsession. Jack organizes his by team, Van organizes by similar facial expressions. It sounds mean, but I am so glad my boys do baseball cards instead of Pokemon cards because I just don't get Pokemon.

I am working on a script for work about Adolf Hitler. The message that came with the script said, "Try and not make him sound like too much of a monster." Oh sure, make Hitler look normal. I will do my best.

Friday, September 12, 2014

At the moment

At the moment:

The kids are having Friday Night Movie Night. It's one of the only traditions that we have kept up over the years. Probably because it requires nothing of me. Just keeping the Netflix queue full. It's "Nancy Drew". When Nancy rolled out her sleuthing kit, Van got all giddy. Van is a sucker for "stuff". He wants everything. Garbage, tape, scissors, someone else's Legos, gum wrappers, spoons, sticks, bandaids. His little brain is always in working mode. He is always thinking of what he can do with crap that no one else wants. Like using duct tape, a stick and snow glove to make a secret gun. I already know what he is getting for Christmas. A box with his own duct tape, scissors, string, stickers, sticks and whatever weird crap he needs to make weird crap.

Ethan is huddled over his iPad watching the Dodgers vs. Giants game. We are nearly to October which means post season which means we watch more baseball than usual. Which I am not sure how that is possible. Guys, you should all be so proud of me. I dare you to find a wife that knows more about the Dodgers than me.

I have 9 new emails in my inbox that are telling what new scripts to write. I have this new rad job where I write scripts for short educational videos for an online textbook company. I have written about everything from the Pilgrims to Hurricane Katrina. Somedays my brain is complete mush from jumping from era to era. Like was it Dwight D. Einsenhower that sailed the Mayflower? But really, this is the best job. I had started the school year thinking "What in the world am I going to do now that Violet goes to preschool and I am left to my own devices?" And then this job came to be. It couldn't be more perfect.

Speaking of jobs, Ethan got a little part time gig as a chef at a senior center in Orem. He is able to do this between catered events. He comes home with the best old people stories. Like one of the residents asking him if he is the chef on the space shuttle. Or one old lady accusing a fellow Hispanic resident of being illegal. And then another who asking for a lift down the road because "this isn't my home! They don't know me!". Poor woman has lived there for 11 years. Ethan loves this new side job and I love the new stories.

This weekend, I have big food plans. Pulled pork with a balsamic barbecue sauce, corn on the cob with sun-dried tomato butter, garlic red mashed potatoes and some pecan peach crumble with vanilla bean ice cream. You are all invited over for dessert because the imbeciles I live with don't like cooked fruit. Idiots.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Neon, School Theme, Cupcakes

Today we did a little bit of school shopping. I have a hard-fast rule that we don't do a whole new wardrobe before school starts. I don't ever get a whole new wardrobe so for hell's sake, neither do my kids. For school, they get new socks, unders, shoes and a haircut. But I bent my rule today and they got some shirts. We found some killer deals, but guys, I can't believe I did it but I spent $10 on a pair of socks for Jack. ONE PAIR. Boy's style these days is tall socks. Preferably neon tall socks. Jack begged and pleaded and I relented. $10 for neon orange socks that go up to Jack's knees. It's such a funny trend right now. Ethan is vocal about his distain and I tell Jack that Dad is old-fashioned and grouchy.

With a lot of families, the new school year often comes with a family theme. "Go and Do", "Choose Happiness", "Love One Another", "Return with Honor" etc. In the past, we have done a theme. One year it was "Put Your Damn Clothes In The Laundry Basket" and the other year it was "Stop Talking to Your Parents Like They Are the Stupidest People You Know" and last year was "I Am Sorry, But Your Brother Is Your Best Friend And That's The Way It Is." This year, I am thinking about having a family gang sign instead. Something really gangster, west coast gangster. Once I figure it out, I will let you know.

I got to do some gender-reveal cupcakes today for my friend Christina. I love doing those. I love knowing before they do. Luckily, they wanted a girl and they were thrilled when they bit into the cupcakes and there was pink filling. I have done gender-reveal cupcakes twice now and both times it was a girl. If you want a girl, have me make your gender-reveal cupcakes and you will get a girl.

Currently Violet is covered in mud from the backyard. Lots of mud. I am sure she needs a bath but I keep shooing her away. I should probably go take care of her. Oh, and Jack just told me he watched a rolly polly be borned. So there's that.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Haram, Orange, Bum

Haram pants. Guys, I just can't. Kalli, I still love you even when you wear your haram pants.
I have a luscious, dumpy bum so those pants would make it look even dumpier. Speaking of my bum, I have never been uncomfortable with how big it is. Even when I was as big as a polar bear and pregnant, I still loved my lady hump. I have always been ready for this jelly.

The other day, I took the kids up to Bridal Veil Falls in Provo. It is a spectacular sight. And all people were doing was taking pictures, mostly of themselves. It was so disappointing. Put down yer damn phone and look up! Look! Pounding water, cooling spray and jagged peaks! Look! The fish in the pool, fighting over the fish food, their shiny scales and rainbow ring along their sides! Yes, of course I took some pics. But it was a few and then I put the phone in my pocket and we enjoyed the falls. As I have spent our summer days outside, whether at the pool or in the mountains or at the park, I am always so snobbish and I watch other people on their phones, just tapping away, ignoring their surroundings. And kids sports games especially! #putdownyerdamnphone

We are now back on school bedtime schedule. I know, I am early on this. But I am also a person who enjoys the quiet of a sleeping house at the end of the day. I am not a night person. I am a morning person. 8:0pm hits and I WANT MY SPACE. DO NOT CROSS ME. Tonight, I am looking forward to my orange nail polish, a few warm chocolate chip cookies and the Food Network Star finale.

Speaking of school, have I told you we get a brand new school? It has been under construction for a year. We are so excited. New principal, new playground, new desks, everything new. Along with a new school comes lots of new controversy, like the issue of us being closer to the new school so there is no bus. OH THE DRAMA. People threatening to homeschool, boycott the school and "give the principal a piece of their mind". I am on the other end of the issue. I have driven my kids to school for years and I have lived to tell the tale. Guys, just get in your car, drive the one mile and drop them off. You don't even have to wear a bra or shoes. And the carpool line is not nearly as horrid as you think.

Wow, looking at the post now that I am done, I seem to have a lot of angst right now. I need some chill time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Ellen, DNA, Hanitizer

I am just not sure how I feel about Seth Meyers on Late Night. I mean, I like the guy, but why couldn't he just do Weekend Update on SNL forever? Once NBC gets over him being on Late Night, I vote Ellen DeGeneres. I think she would do a bang up job.

If you saw on the Facebook, Jack told me that the military has a robot that can find IUDs. Bless his heart. I was quick to correct him. IEDs pal. I wasn't really up to explaining IUDs. I would, believe me, I would. I love talking to Jack about the hard-hitting sex/body talks. Like the other day, we had a completely casual breakfast table conversation about how sperms and eggs get together with their individual DNA's to make a baby. It started with him claiming that two white people can make a black baby. Untrue.

Van has changed his future career from Coast Guard to scientist. Specifically a scientist that deals heavily in blood and bones. He is currently fixated about bones and bodies. And I know why. When we moved, it took Van approximately 20 minutes to find an old cat grave in our backyard. He dug it all up and has a crap load of cat bones that we have tried to throw away a bunch of times but he always finds them and gets them out of the trash. IT IS REVOLTING. Just a heads up, if your kid comes over to play at my house, Van will coerce them to the backyard so he can show them his cat bone collection. Your kid will have their hands all over a cat jaw, tibia and pelvis, just so you know. Pull out the hanitizer.

If you come by our house and see our lawn, don't judge. We are dealing with growing new grass and it looks like a**. Ha! I am funny. It's a shame the grass looks like crap because my potted flowers are FANTASTIC this year.

Just finished "Moloka'i". Such a fantastic book. Read it, dummy.


Monday, July 21, 2014

Waterpark, Soapy, Blueberry Swirl

Today I went to Seven Peaks Waterpark. Let me reiterate the "I" part. As in I didn't take my kids. I went with two of my sisters, my sister's step kids and her husband. Guys, this is the way to do a waterpark. Leave the kids at home. We had the greatest time. No whining kids, just us falling off tubes and swearing heavily as we go down really scary slides. I don't think I will ever take my kids there. Maybe when they are teenagers and we can just have fun. I am completely serious. It was the absolute funnest.

Today I also had to send my two boys across the street with a bucket of soapy water and wash rags. They thought it would be a good idea to throw the little plums that fall off my neighbors tree at their white fence. Not a good idea afterall. Who knew?! So they got to scrub it clean. Van thought he was going to get paid. Hilarious.

My neighbor brought over two gallons of 2% milk that expire today because she is going to Hawaii and has no use for them. So I bought lots of eggs and heavy cream and I am making ice cream. Lots of ice cream. I think I will make a big master base and then add flavoring from there. Probably some blueberry swirl, milk chocolate/peanut butter and vanilla bean/cinnamon. I should rummage around my pantry and fridge and come up with a few more ideas. Maybe combine all the jars of nearly-empty jam and make some kind of fruity one. That would be dandy.